Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Don't Want to Talk About That

As I mentioned, we are going through some "ups and downs", what I did not mention was that my entire life as I know it is crumbling before my eyes. But I don't want to talk about that.

I was finally able, after three years of struggling, to open up and tell my husband that I did not feel that I was in love with him and that I never had been. I told him that I loved our children, but that I was miserably unhappy in our loveless, emotionless, chemistryless{sorry that isn't a word} marriage. But I don't want to talk about that.

We decided to "separate" for the time being, even though we have nowhere to separate to because we are so incredibly broke. But I don't want to talk about that.

He told me he knows he is in love with me and that he didn't want to have to go through with this because it makes him feel like a failure. He is angry with me, but wants me to be happy where ever it may be. I feel such guilt and extreme sadness to have done this to him, but I needed to be honest. It has been to long that I have been keeping this inside and it's spiritually, mentally, and physically hurting myself as well as my kids. But I don't want to talk about that.

Edited to add: I must get a job now. I don't mind. I've always enjoyed working, but i'm terrified to put my girls in daycare. Plus it's expensive! The big problem is that I haven't worked a single day in five years. I'm a certified Dental Assistant, but that was also five years ago when I completed my training. I never got a job as a DA because I had Miss Priss! I'm so scared that I wont get hired anywhere because of not working in so long. But I don't want to talk about that.

When I went to balance our checkbook today, we were in the negative and still hadn't paid all of our bills. But I DON'T want to TALK about that.

I don't want to talk about any of this, but I need to. with all of my heart, I need to get it out. The world is against me right now. My family, my friends, everyone that knows me is angry with me because of my decision. They think i'm not putting my kids first and that i'm being selfish. Which I am, in a way. Because I think that I can be a better mom if i'm happy. Right now, I don't think i'm being the best mom I can be. I feel that I ignore my kids at times because i'm in such a deep depression. It's the most withdrawn I've ever been. And it's hard. That is such a simple word to use, but it's accurate. My body feels defeated. But I don't want to talk about that.

I've prayed about this for three years..almost four. Since Miss Priss was born, or before even. I've prayed that God would let me love him, that we build a stronger relationship based on love, etc.. We got married because I was pregnant, not because we were in love. I felt like my body was kicking and screaming when I said my vows because I didn't want to do it and I've been paying for it for almost four years. For some reason, a few nights ago, I had to be honest. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I told him I just wanted him to know the truth because I hate lying to him everyday of our lives. I'm sad that i'm hurting him. I do care about him. We have a great "friendly" relationship, but I want to see him be loved!

This is such an overwhelming post and I may delete it, but I needed to say it more than I've needed to ever say anything in a journal. Like I said, most people are against me right now and it's breaking me down further. It just seemed right to "write" it down. I still don't feel like it's all out, but I also don't feel so compacted with emotion either.

But.. I don't want to talk about that.

35 comments:

jenn January 6, 2010 at 11:05 AM  

First off, I stumbled across your blog awhile back and enjoy reading your honesty and openness. I know you don't know me, but I felt compelled to write you. I can't say I know what you're going through, but it seems, despite what others are telling you, that you are doing this for your children, and for yourself. If you are this unhappy and depressed in this marriage it doesn't help your girls, or you, in any way to stay in in it. People always say "stay together for the children", but sometimes it is better for a family to separate. Despite what ever avenue you pursue, you will always be a family, just maybe not necessarily one where the mom and dad are still married. You sound like you have a solid belief and trust in the Lord and you have been praying about this. Continue to do so. You and your girls will be in my prayers.
Jenn

Janet January 6, 2010 at 11:11 AM  

Oh Kaycee, I am so sorry!! I can't imagine what all you are feeling or dealing with. No matter what, I am not against you and I am here for you with whatever you need! Let me know if you need to talk, vent, whatever! I will be praying for you and your family!

Bren January 6, 2010 at 11:15 AM  

Oh sweetie! I so feel for you because I KNOW it is not an easy thing to go through. I went through it but didn't have kids at the time and even then - it is heart breaking! I wish I had great words of wisdom to leave you with - be strong and be true. Everything WILL work itself out. You don't always know what road you will end up on but you will get there.

sandy January 6, 2010 at 11:37 AM  

I'm so sorry to hear this! I will pray that you are able to find peace and some resolution to all of your turmoil. (((hugs)))

Cara S. January 6, 2010 at 11:37 AM  

Kaycee- It is with tears in my eyes that I read your post today and could not help but feel a real connection with you. Only I give you so much credit...like A LOT of credit for writing about it. I have not been able yet to "talk about it". I have been in hiding and in a depression myself. Finally told my "love" to leave our house yesterday. As of today when I get home from work...he will be gone. I am lost with you girl. My world is so turned upside down and I feel the same...everyone seems to be upset with me. Why would I do this? What about our family etc etc. Uggh I am hoping to blog about it soon but right now it is just too difficult for me. Stay tuned. I hope to read more from you about this. You are an inspiration to me at this very moment, and I will be checking back to re-connect with you. You are in my prayers.

Steph January 6, 2010 at 11:49 AM  

KC, I am so sorry for all you are going through, it must be an incredible strain and its brave of you to share with us. I hope everything works out well for you, no matter the outcome.

Nada January 6, 2010 at 11:50 AM  

Kaycee, Don't listen to what anyone else has to say because they don't have to live your life. You are SO strong. I know this because your story sounds EXACTLY like my own, but I don't have the courage yet to talk to my husband about it and definitely don't have the courage to be on my own. It's so hard to live your life "ok"- getting along and knowing that your husband loves you, but not feeling any "passion" in the relationship. If you want to talk more just let me know! Oh, and getting a job might seem daunting, but don't forget that you own your own business. That is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of and can put on your resume!

Angie January 6, 2010 at 11:53 AM  

I don't know you, but I have been reading your blog for awhile now and just want to say, don't let this bring you down! I haven't experienced this personally but I know several close friends that have and although it may seem hard now it will be the BEST for your kids in the long run. If you and your husband aren't happy, then there's no way you can give your whole self to your kids either. If you are in a better place, your kids will only benefit that much more, than if you stayed in a loveless marriage. And I just want to say it takes a lot of courage to put everything out there like that! I appreciate your honesty and it has inspired me a bit to always write down exactly how I feel too! It's always better to do that then bottle it in. Its YOUR life so don't worry about what other people say, even though I know its SO hard. Hang in there hun!!

JenFen January 6, 2010 at 11:57 AM  

First of all I am not against you and I think that you will find that once many of your family and friends have time to process what is going on, they will get over it and be supportive of your decision. It is such a difficult decision to make but if you have been grappling with it all this time and things just never felt right, then you know you gave it your best and it is time to cut your losses and start moving on to a better tomorrow. In the long run, it will be better not only for you but for him and your children as well. You have a tough road ahead of you as I am sure you know, but also know that I admire your strength to do what needs to be done. I firmly believe it will all be worth it in the end so just keep reminding yourself of that and don't let anyone or anything get you down.

You have two beautiful amazing girls, a strong and determined will and your whole life ahead of you.

And as far as finding a job, I can't say what the market is like in that particular field but good luck.

Feel free to message me anytime. I am here for you!

London January 6, 2010 at 11:59 AM  

Praying for you! (I know there's nothing else I can say or do that will help more.)

Brandi January 6, 2010 at 12:10 PM  

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and if you need anything or just to talk I am here just can email me anytime.

Deanna January 6, 2010 at 12:26 PM  

Kaycee, sometimes the best decisions and the right decisions are the hardest decisions. And no one knows exactly what you're going through except you, so as tough as it is, don't let anyone "against" you get you down. The above commentor is right...you have your own business! That's definitely something to talk about while you're looking for a job. Start the daycare search now...you'll feel it when you've found the right one but it may take some time.

Jaimie January 6, 2010 at 12:46 PM  

My heart is with you.
You have to do what you have to do.
Your family and friends will get over it, but if you don't make the right decisions, you won't get over it.
You are so lucky to have the MOST beautiful girls in the world and they will help you get through this. You are strong mama.

Kelly January 6, 2010 at 12:57 PM  

I am sorry that you are going through any of this. I don't wish that upon anyone. Don't listen to what other people say, just listen to your heart and do what is best for you. You know what is best for your girls and you have to be happy, for them to be happy.
I am praying for you and I know we are states away, but if there is anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask!

LauraC January 6, 2010 at 1:01 PM  

Hey KC, please don't let your family talk you into staying in a loveless marriage just because it would make THEM happy. My parents were never happy together and we knew it as kids. We always wished they would get divorced but they stayed together for us. Life is too short to spend time trying to live your life for others.

Good luck to you and you are a brave woman to find your happiness in life.

Ashley January 6, 2010 at 1:08 PM  

I love you girl! If you need help with those babies, you know I'm right down the road! Let me know ANYTIME!!

Shanna January 6, 2010 at 1:20 PM  

Praying for you, Chris, and the girls!

Cori Lynn January 6, 2010 at 1:24 PM  

Kaycee, Please know that I am always here for you...I have known for you so long (we may not be close) but I hurt for you and hate that you are having to go through this. I pray that things work out and that God presents an opportunity for you in the workfield.

Blessings your way!
Cori

Ams January 6, 2010 at 1:41 PM  

KC I was trying to find your email address on here because I wanted to send you my love that way but I am just going to write it here.

I used to have a blog - it was called Kiss My Cheek... I followed you then. I am also a May 2006 mom. I remember A LONNNNG way back when you had talked about your relationship with your hubby....

17 months ago I left my husband. With have three small children. I got pregnant when I was 21, we got married because I was pregnant and I *thought* I was in love with him. I kept having babies thinking that that would help, that would solve our problems. The bottom line, I was not in love.

I love my children with all of my heart and there was absolutely NO way that I could stay in a loveless relationship. My misery was bringing me down, my life was crumbling around me.

I am okay now. I am in a loving, wonderful relationship and I NOW know what true love is.

You are going to be okay. We are here for you - and if you ever need to talk, or if you need to bounce something off of someone, I was JUST there and would love to chat with you.

I am sending you all of my love lady. You ARE going to be okay. You love your babies and you are going to be okay. xo

Shannon January 6, 2010 at 2:31 PM  

Kaycee! I am so sorry you are going through this. I will be praying for you. You need to make decisions off of what is best for you and the children and not worry about what other people think. There are a lot of people "here" for you even if it is only in blog land:). Email me if you want to hear my story...I don't want to post it on here!:) Good luck sweet girl!!

Leah January 6, 2010 at 2:43 PM  

Hey girl, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know you've been praying about all of it for years, but thought maybe you could try some sort of counseling before you totally end it, to atleast get some professional advice and for you and Chris to both open up about how you feel. I know counseling can be quite expensive, but you should check into some local churches, lots have counselors on staff, or atleast pastors, who could offer some sort of advice for you two. I pray that things get better for you and you find happiness! Just my two cents!

Casey January 6, 2010 at 3:46 PM  

I am incredibly sorry for what you are going through and I am sorry you feel so many people are against you. I am not and feel that you did the right thing in being honest. I will be praying for you and yoru family and I am so sorry that you are going through this

GretchN January 6, 2010 at 6:20 PM  

Hugs and prayers for you Kaycee

Meghan January 6, 2010 at 7:53 PM  

Hang in there! Stay strong. My prayers are sent your way.

Molly January 6, 2010 at 8:52 PM  

Oh, Kaycee. I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. You need to do what is best for you and those beautiful babies. Life has ups and downs, and you won't be like this forever. I will tell you that the hubs and I went through a rough time a couple years ago. We recently did the 40 day love dare (there is a book with that name) and it was amazing. It seems like you are past the trying part but I wanted to share that with you.
Just know that you don't have to answer to anyone but God. Take care, girl, and you are in my prayers!

House of Blues January 6, 2010 at 9:17 PM  

Kaycee, I am proud of you for being honest to youreself and your feelings. You will never be happy if you arent. I will keep you all in my prayers!!

Donna/Ellie January 7, 2010 at 1:11 AM  

Kaycee, it's been so long since we've talked, but dare I say I kept wondering if it had changed? Because I know all too well what happens if it doesn't change. These girls have the best words to say - so I won't say them again, but take it from another person who's still going through the worst (and at times, best) parts of separating from a marriage full of SHOULDS...YOUR heart and your connection to God are all that matter when it comes to how people feel right now. I know it's still so hard to deal with their reactions, but NO ONE has a right to feel for you. I'm so proud that you're listening to your true voice inside. You'll be okay. You'll learn that you're so much stronger than you ever knew. You'll keep going. And like these ladies said, your girls will grow up learning to strive for true happiness and fulfillment rather than expectations. I love ya girl. You'll be in my thoughts.

Kayci January 7, 2010 at 9:40 AM  

OH Kaycee...I am so sorry! I can't imagine what you are going through. I am here to talk if you need to... <3

Oh and for the record...it is not always better to stay just for the kids...sometimes it is just better to move on. Good luck and God bless you and your family...

Carrie77 January 7, 2010 at 9:59 AM  

Oh Kaycee, I feel for you because what you are going through must be so hard and I am sure your entire world has turned upside down right now. I would suggest maybe counseling, but if you are past that, then I wish you the best luck in figuring out how you will start your new life, job, and all that comes with it. Marriages do have their ups and downs, and being tight on money and having young kids makes the hard times harder. Try to take a deep breath and continue to do what makes you happy, because like everyone else said, life really is too short to not be happy. I wish you the best of luck, and don't feel bad for doing what you had to do... I would think that an emotionless marriage would be quite a lonely one, especially since you are only in your twenties and have so much more to live in life... that is a lonnnng time to be unhappy :( So, good luck and stay strong!!

Ashlee January 7, 2010 at 11:21 AM  

Stay strong. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

amywelborn January 7, 2010 at 2:21 PM  

I'm sitting here snowed in and catching up on blogs...
I have been following you for a while and so sorry to hear this! I will be praying for you!!!

gabriel January 8, 2010 at 2:31 AM  

Deep breaths and alot of soul searching and if you keep coming up with teh same answer then you have to do what you have to do. A family with married parents isnt always the best in the long run. I have been there and felt like the world was against me but it will get better. Its always harder when your family is also the ones making you feel guilty for your feelings. Keep your chin up.

Kelly January 8, 2010 at 12:43 PM  

Hey Kayci, You may or may not remember me I am Kelly I dated the same guy that you did and you came to you grandpa's church in Haskell a few times. Listen I have been exactly where you are at. I don't want to post too many details on here, but I got married alomost as soon as I turned 18 to get out of my parents house and out from under their very strict rules anyway needless to say it did not last and I had horrible family problems because of it. So if you want to email me I can give you my number and we can talk or I can tell you the WHOLE story in email and offer some things that might help. My email addy is kelly. stealthrecovery@yahoo.com. I would love to try to make this easier on you than it was me!

Celine January 15, 2010 at 3:56 PM  

KC, I'm sorry you're going through this but know that I support you 100%!
You're doing what's best for you and the girls!

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