I Don't Want to Talk About That

As I mentioned, we are going through some "ups and downs", what I did not mention was that my entire life as I know it is crumbling before my eyes. But I don't want to talk about that.

I was finally able, after three years of struggling, to open up and tell my husband that I did not feel that I was in love with him and that I never had been. I told him that I loved our children, but that I was miserably unhappy in our loveless, emotionless, chemistryless{sorry that isn't a word} marriage. But I don't want to talk about that.

We decided to "separate" for the time being, even though we have nowhere to separate to because we are so incredibly broke. But I don't want to talk about that.

He told me he knows he is in love with me and that he didn't want to have to go through with this because it makes him feel like a failure. He is angry with me, but wants me to be happy where ever it may be. I feel such guilt and extreme sadness to have done this to him, but I needed to be honest. It has been to long that I have been keeping this inside and it's spiritually, mentally, and physically hurting myself as well as my kids. But I don't want to talk about that.

Edited to add: I must get a job now. I don't mind. I've always enjoyed working, but i'm terrified to put my girls in daycare. Plus it's expensive! The big problem is that I haven't worked a single day in five years. I'm a certified Dental Assistant, but that was also five years ago when I completed my training. I never got a job as a DA because I had Miss Priss! I'm so scared that I wont get hired anywhere because of not working in so long. But I don't want to talk about that.

When I went to balance our checkbook today, we were in the negative and still hadn't paid all of our bills. But I DON'T want to TALK about that.

I don't want to talk about any of this, but I need to. with all of my heart, I need to get it out. The world is against me right now. My family, my friends, everyone that knows me is angry with me because of my decision. They think i'm not putting my kids first and that i'm being selfish. Which I am, in a way. Because I think that I can be a better mom if i'm happy. Right now, I don't think i'm being the best mom I can be. I feel that I ignore my kids at times because i'm in such a deep depression. It's the most withdrawn I've ever been. And it's hard. That is such a simple word to use, but it's accurate. My body feels defeated. But I don't want to talk about that.

I've prayed about this for three years..almost four. Since Miss Priss was born, or before even. I've prayed that God would let me love him, that we build a stronger relationship based on love, etc.. We got married because I was pregnant, not because we were in love. I felt like my body was kicking and screaming when I said my vows because I didn't want to do it and I've been paying for it for almost four years. For some reason, a few nights ago, I had to be honest. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I told him I just wanted him to know the truth because I hate lying to him everyday of our lives. I'm sad that i'm hurting him. I do care about him. We have a great "friendly" relationship, but I want to see him be loved!

This is such an overwhelming post and I may delete it, but I needed to say it more than I've needed to ever say anything in a journal. Like I said, most people are against me right now and it's breaking me down further. It just seemed right to "write" it down. I still don't feel like it's all out, but I also don't feel so compacted with emotion either.

But.. I don't want to talk about that.